It's so interesting to see how things change over time. Things that once were your total focus, seem to fade or disappear. I remember the excited but overwhelmed feeling that I got the day that I found out I was pregnant. So scared, but so excited. I never imagined being able to LOVE to this degree. Of course all the worries and fears started pouring in.. "Can I do everything right? Will I know what to do and how to react? Am I good enough to be a mom?.. But those fears and worries almost instantly disappeared the first time I held Cody in my arms, seeing his deep blue eyes looking at ME for love and guidance, it's a feeling that is describable. I then knew the meaning of ¤Infinite Love¤

Then, in a instant.. one single second, frozen in time.. -That Changed-
I remember the night as if it were only yesterday. I've replayed every movement and sound over and over in my mind, just to see, if there was something, anything, that I could have done to change it. It was a typical spring night for Oklahoma in May.... -Stormy- .. Cody was cranky and didn't want to sleep much, I was exhausted and still recovering. I remember trying for hours and hours to get him to sleep, even crying as he cried, unknowing what to do to help him sleep. Finally after about two hours, I was at my end, I looked with tearful eyes at my husband, and he knew I was at a breakdown. He took Cody from me, and proceeded to rock him to sleep.. while I went into the bathroom to cry my eyes out. I felt like I had failed, and had been a bad mom.. I didn't know what to do.. and I didn't think I could handle being a mom..

Finally, after calming down, probably about 30 minutes.. I went back to bed.. Cody was soundly asleep.. happy.. Finally :)
I had always been one who deemed to dream vividly, and in full color. My dreams always were so real. And as soon as I had this dream, well more of a nightmare.. I awoke to screaming. Turning over in bed, and to my horror.. I see my son, he had stopped breathing. We called 911, and were already trying CPR.. nothing was helping.... I suddenly felt lost, helpless, numb.. I held him in my arms, and knew he had already gone.. We continued to try to revive him, EMTs tried, everyone tried.. it was just too late.

The days and weeks that followed are clear but yet blurry.. I don't remember how I did some of the things I did, the normal every day life and things you have to get done for a funeral.. but they just happened.

The months after Cody's death.. weren't so clear nor so good. They were very dark and dreary.. and confusing.. I won't go into what all happened, as I feel it is important to concentrate on the good things in life.. but I will say that honestly.. without my strong faith and my family.. I would not have been able to pull myself from where I was headed. I owe my life, now more than ever, to them.

-For every tear they wiped away.. For every smile they put on my face.. For every wish and ream, that they "somehow" magically made come true.. For the arms that carried me, when I was so weak.. For the words I needed to hear, even when I didn't want to listen.. and even more so, For the silence that I sometimes wanted to share.

I owe it all to them.. and I thank them from my bottom of my heart.

¤The events that happened that day, changed my life.. Forever¤

In some ways good, and in a lot of ways bad.. Either way.. this is the ME now, and who I have become.. and each day.. I learn more and more.. and grow more and more..

¤ Being a poet, I've always been able to express my inner-most emotions with ease. Taking my thoughts and feelings and putting them onto paper, in a way, that everyone could get a sense of what I was feeling ¤
One event in my life, left me what I fear, as a poet, most... being speechless, and not able to write a single thing. I could still write for hours upon hours about everything from the weather to love, but when I tried to write about the most prominent thing in my life ¤ to write about Cody ¤ I froze. I have such a mixture of emotions that are racing through me.. but when I go to write them down.. -I go blank- There's so much I want to say, and so many things I'm feeling, but I just can't seem to get them expressed the way that I want.

Each day I struggle..... ~Struggle as a woman, who had a child by C-Section, instead of the "Natural" way ¤Am I less of a woman?¤
Struggle as a mother.. who carried her son for 9 beautiful months, held him safely in my arms for 16 -very- short days.. to nothing.
¤Did I fail as a Mother?¤
Struggle as the daughter, granddaughter, and niece.. To be strong, to move on, and always do right..
¤Did I fail my family?¤
Struggle as a member of society.. To show that smile, and speak those friendly words..
¤Do I even fit in anymore?¤
Struggle as a career woman.. wanting to be strong willed, goal oriented, and a leader...
¤How can I lead anyone? I failed¤
Struggle as a student.. to better myself.. and expand my knowledge.. to "Go Someplace" with my life..
¤But is it too late?¤
And a struggle as a poet.. facing another fear as my words are silenced...
So, in my mind, I hear the beautiful words expressed.. and I feel all the smiles, the strength, the knowledge.. and I carry the Poetry deep in my heart.

~ Sometimes Love is for a Moment … Sometimes Love is for a Lifetime … Sometimes a Moment is a Lifetime ~

© Shannyn